Frightening Women
by Tsuki-No-Tamashi
Summary: Ulquiorra had always known that human females were frustrating. Yet, when a human female is pregnant and doing things that are unpredictable, they become frightening...


I have been a fan of this site for years now, but never felt the need to write my own material. Then, one day this popped into my head and…well… I just had to write it up and post it… O.O

So, please enjoy my first FanFic ever!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Bleach.

Women certainly were frustrating creatures.

He had known this for some time now, ever since he had been ordered by Aizen-sa…Aizen to look after the human woman. Her strange behaviors and comments had secretly confused the stoic quarto espada.

Now however, he was learning how frightening they could be.

2 Years after the fateful battle with Kurosaki Ichigo, Ulquiorra found himself fully regenerated in the small dwelling of Inoue Orihime. After her sobbing had subsided, she told him that a piece of himself had been stuck to her clothes (which she mentioned with a slight shudder) and that she had been steadily "healing" him for the past 2 years. He was admittedly shocked when she informed him of Aizen's defeat by the hands of Kurosaki Ichigo, and found himself at a loss as to what he should do from there. The women must have noticed his slightly lost look, for she immediately said he could stay with her, all the while beaming at him with her cheerful smile.

For the next year he lived with the woman, doing menial chores and helping with the hollows that still frequented Karakura town. The others had been wary of his presence at first, and with good reason, but had allowed him to stay at the Inoue woman's insistence. He had even been supplied with a human gigai by the store owner.

It was during this time that he began to feel strange pains in his chest, just below his hollow hole. At first, he merely assumed it was due to the low levels of spirit particles in the area, and that he was beginning to feel some sort of hunger pangs. He quickly dismissed this theory however, as a being as powerful as himself would not succumb to the same problems as mere common hollow trash. Yet the pains continued, and for some reason only in the presence of the strange woman.

It was while she was away "grocery shopping" that he felt something was wrong. Locking in on her spiritual pressure, he came upon a sight that made his blood boil. The woman was backed into a wall, with street trash fingering her hair and muttering something to her about "having fun with them". Not bothering to think before acting for once in his life, Ulquiorra slammed his fist into the leader's face, grabbed one lackey, and proceeded to fling him at the other. Then, he had grabbed the woman's hand and dragged her back to the apartment.

After locking the door behind them she had turned to thank him, only to be silenced by his lips slamming down on hers, drawing a surprised squeak from her throat. After he pulled away, he looked at her sharply and simply said "_**Mine**_."

Now, a full year later, he was staring at the woman as she switched from a blubbering mess, to a manic laughter, and then to a cheerful disposition. Kurosaki had mentioned that when a woman was pregnant, she was the most frightening thing a man could ever come in contact with. He had, of course, simply scoffed at the soul reaper's warning. So far, all she had done was confirm his stated fact that women were frustrating creatures.

Using his sharp reflexes, he dodged a surprisingly well aimed lamp that had come dangerously close to smashing into his face. Ah, she was angry now. In his mental musings he had missed whatever it was she had been telling him.

"Ulquiorra! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" she shrieked.

"….of course." He replied.

Suddenly her expression changed back to a happy smile. "Oh good. Like I said, I was hoping you could go to the store for me. We need some things for dinner tonight. Everyone is coming over, so I want to make sure we have plenty of food!"

He let a small smirk slip through at that. Watching the others eat her peculiar food and deal with her rotating emotions would certainly provide some entertainment for the former espada. Taking the list of supplies she needed, as well as a wad of money, he quickly left for the store. Upon arriving however, he took his first look at the items on the list. His brow furrowed in slight confusion.

'Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, milk, butter, 2 packages of medium steaks, 2 loaves of bread, a hand full of carrots, several ears of corn, and 2 cases of soda…'

Where was the bean paste? The fried cucumber slices? The boiled leeks? The list she had given him seemed…..normal. Figuring that her unusual side pieces that she used in her cooking were already at the apartment, he gathered up the items on the list and left. It was a good thing his gigai had been given strength similar to that of his arrancar form, or else he never would have been able to carry the bags home.

Placing the items on the counter, he stood to the side as she began cooking. He knew he would need to learn how to cook soon, seeing as how she would be unable to do so in another month. She was 6 months along, and already she was having difficulty doing some tasks, mostly those that involved bending for objects on the floor.

"Do you mind? Your starring is starting to piss me off!"

He whipped his head up to her face from where it had been starring at her enlarged stomach. Hm. So she was back to anger was she? It was very rare for anyone to hear her curse so easily. No matter. He could learn some other night when she was in a better mood. He sat on the loveseat in the living room just as the door opened. Kurosaki, Kuchiki, the Quincy, the large human, and the woman's dark haired female friend entered. The woman called from the kitchen and said that the food was almost done. The new arrivals all took seats at the dining table, each with barley hidden looks of fear. A cheerful voice caught their attention as the woman came out with a few plates and silverware. One by one, she brought out dishes, and with each new food the air in the apartment became increasingly more tense and uneasy. Even he was starting to become uncomfortable. The food was not odd. In fact, it was the complete opposite. Steaks were piled on one plate, with a few onions on the side. A large salad was in an equally large crystal bowl, with homemade buttermilk ranch on the side. Corn ears were steamed and dripping with butter. And last, a platter with bread slices that had been toasted with garlic and butter to make a simple version of garlic toast.

That damn woman, completely oblivious to the stares her latest culinary creation was receiving, began to pile food onto her plate.

"In-Inoue….Wh…What is this?" Kurosaki seemed to be the first to be able to speak.

"Hmm? Is something wrong Kurosaki-kun?"

Suddenly the Quincy stood up and began walking towards the door. "Sorry, Orihime. I just remembered that I have an errand I need to run for my father." The large human stood up next and followed after him with a quiet "Bye."

"Rukia! Didn't Byakuya say he needed to see us about something? We had better hurry and go see what's up!" with that said, Kurosaki grabbed the small shinigami's hand and nearly flew out the door, throwing a "Some other time Inoue!" over his shoulder as they went.

Now he was left with a still in shock dark haired woman, and his own confused woman.

"Now that's strange, why did they leave all of a sudden? Oh well, more for us, right Tatsuki-chan?"

Finally snapping out of her daze, the dark haired woman turned to the other woman at the table with a confused yet serious expression. "Orihime, what is all this?"

Now she had a confused expression. "What do you mean Tatsuki-chan?"

"It's just….normally your food has a little, originality…or something like that…"

Understanding lit up on her face. "OH! Well, I guess since I have started having cravings, some of my old foods just didn't sound very yummy anymore. So, I decided to make this instead! Why, is there something wrong with it?" She looked almost sad as she said this.

The dark haired woman however seemed to be having trouble breathing at the moment. "You…pft…you get cravings…fo-for…normal foods!" That seemed to finally break her as she tumbled out of her chair and began to laugh hysterically on the floor, clutching her stomach as she did so.

Ulquiorra however found nothing in the current situation humorous. Looking back and forth between his woman and the food in front of him, he began to finally see what Kurosaki had meant by pregnant women being frightening. He had spent hundreds of hours watching and studying the woman, learning about her personality and quirks so she could not catch him by surprise. But this…this was just too strange, even for her. The strange foods had been the one constant in his observations that he knew, unless the apocalypse was on its way, would never change. It made him stare warily at her and wonder…. just what else she could do to catch him off guard? She was officially a wild-card in her state now. He did not like not knowing what could happen. He did not like feeling so _vulnerable _when it came to the situation.

And that, was when he realized how frightening a pregnant woman was.


End file.
